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This article is a part of a series called “Spiritual Waimai Voices” where we welcome our friends to share some spiritual food with us with us in their own voice. This Spiritual Waimai was written and recorded by our friends Max and Leonidas
本文是《属灵外卖之声》系列文章之一，该系列里我们欢迎朋友们用自己的声音来分享灵粮。这篇属灵外卖的写作来自我们的朋友Max和Leonidas。
Is it possible to argue with someone and still act with a loving heart?
有可能带着爱心来与人争论吗？
_
Leonidas:
Recently my Christian brother, Max and I were discussing if it is even possible to have an argument, specifically with a partner or spouse, without breaking the rules of love.
最近我的主内弟兄Max和我在讨论是否有可能与人争论，特别是和我们的伴侣争论时，却不打破爱的法则。
Max:
We are not talking about a respectful discussion about two opinions, we are talking about a heated argument.
我们所说的并不是讨论互为尊重的两个观点，而是指激烈的争论。
Leonidas:
So we had a look at 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 to see exactly what the Word says about the different qualities of love and how love is defined. This is how we’re defining “the rules of love”. Through this comparison, we tried to discover if or how arguing is a violation of G-d’s Word.
所以我们翻到了哥林多前书十三章4-8节，看圣经中具体是怎么讲述爱的不同品质以及爱的定义，这也是我们如何定义“爱的法则”。通过这样对比，我们试图探索争辩是否违背了神的话语。
Max:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；爱是不嫉妒，爱是不自夸，不张狂，不作害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。爱是永不止息。先知讲道之能终必归于无有，说方言之能终必停止，知识也终必归于无有。 哥林多前书 13:4-8
Leonidas:
The first part of 1 Corinthians 13:4 says, “Love is patient”. If you are arguing, are you being patient?
哥林多前书十三章第四节的第一部分说：“爱是恒久忍耐”。如果你在与人争论，你还会忍耐吗？
Max:
Often no. If you are arguing, you are saying to the other person, “This is my opinion, or my perspective, and I want you to understand my ideas and my way of thinking NOW.” This often happens without a genuine desire to understand the other person’s point of view. It’s our way, and no other way. We fail to realize how flawed memory can be or fail to see that our perception is only one part of the equation. We must exercise patience, being quick to listen, and slow to speak. Seek understanding of the other person’s perspective first, and often this same courtesy will be returned to you.
大部分情况不会。如果你在争论，你就在告诉别人：“这是我的观点，我的视角，我想让你现在立刻马上明白我的想法和我的思路。”只要脱离了想去了解对方观点的意愿就常会发生这种情况。这就是我们的方式，没有其他方式。我们没能意识到记忆是有缺陷的，或者没有看到我们的认知是相等的。我们要操练耐心，快快地听，慢慢地说。先试着理解对方的观点，别人也会经常这样待你。
Leonidas:
What about the next part where it says, “Love is kind”?
那接下来说“又有恩慈”是指什么呢？
Max:
Discussions change to arguments when things get heated, but are you really being kind to another person if you are using a raised voice or showing them an angry face?
当事情激化之后，讨论就会变成争论，但如果你提高音量或者满脸怒容时，你真的对人有恩慈吗？
Leonidas:
Someone simply having an angry expression on their face can be seen as being unkind. Or are you putting on a kind looking mask, yet really through your teeth you demonstrate contempt and bitterness? It’s a matter of pride, and the heart. Togetherness for us, versus me, me, me.
一个人只要脸露怒色就会被认为是没有恩慈。或是你虽然带着恩慈的面具，但咬牙切齿却暴露了你的不屑和苦毒？这跟骄傲和心灵有关。众人和睦与只顾自已，两者争相不下。
Max:
People can often feel attacked or threatened when they are the target of aggressive body language, angry faces, or snide and bitter language. We must take great care to foster loving, tender, and merciful devotion towards one another.
当人们成为被肢体语言、愤怒的表情、或者讥讽的话语所攻击的目标时，常常会感到自身被攻击或者被威胁。我们必须小心翼翼地培养为他人奉献的爱心、温柔和怜悯。
Leonidas:
Right, especially by a friend, or spouse who has trusted us with their heart.
What about the next point in the verse that says, “Love does not envy.” Does that apply in this situation?
对，尤其是对那些真心信任我们的朋友或者伴侣。
下一节经文说：“爱是不嫉妒”，也适用这种情况吗？
Max:
Definitely. We mentioned earlier about how it is possible to have the attitude that “I want you to understand my opinion rather than your opinion.” Or, “Me first…I don’t care about you…” rather than you believing or honoring someone else’s opinion.
肯定的。我们之前讲过“我想要你听我的而不是听你的”或者“我先，不管你怎么想”，这样的态度就是不尊重别人的想法。
Leonidas:
True. And, even deeper, it’s totally possible that you are envious of another couple’s relationship, or even envious of the fake relationship you see in movies or other fiction…wishing you had that. And now, instead of working hard in reality, together as a team, you are harboring resentment and bitterness, or contempt and animosity. This already sickening situation can become even further complicated and unhealthy if the other partner is feeling genuinely content, believing everything is fine, and now suddenly they’re surprised with your self-serving and unrealistic expectation of the relationship based on a writer’s fiction. It’s an impossible request. This comes down to a pride issue along with how rooted in reality and grace, and mercy are you?
What about “Love does not boast”? Are you boasting if you are arguing?
对，更深层地来看，很有可能你在嫉妒另一对夫妻的关系，甚至嫉妒在电影或者科幻片中看到的虚假关系，希望你也能拥有它。现在，你心存抱怨、苦毒、轻视和敌意，而不是在现实中以团队精神一起积极努力。如果对方满足于这段关系，认为一切安好，突然被你对这段基于作家虚构的自私关系和不切实际的预期所震惊，这样病态的情况可能会愈加恶化或是更不健康。不可能有这种要求。这就变成了一个骄傲的问题，以及你如何从本质上认识真实、恩典和怜悯的问题。
Max:
Well, if you are arguing you are coming from the position of, “I am right and you are wrong.” This notion of needing to prove being right can also stem from a belief that you are superior or more important than your spouse, and maybe you don’t actually see your spouse as your equal. Not really. Or your fervent need to be heard and understood can stem from a place of fear. Fearing that you are unloved. Fearing that you are inferior. Fearing about how you are viewed by others.
如果你争论的立场是“我对你错”，想要证明自己是对的，这样的想法也可能源于一种信念，就是你比你的配偶更好或者更重要，也许你并不认为你和你的配偶是平等的。其实不是这样的。也许你渴望被倾听或被理解是基于恐惧。害怕没人爱你；害怕你不如别人；害怕别人看待你的方式。
Leonidas:
Yeah, it’s like, “Let me tell you why I am right and you are wrong. And, while we’re at it, how about I dump my burden of insecurity on you too.” We must seek G-d first, and be secure in our identity in JC. We must continue to strive to understand just how much grace G-d has given us, and how much forgiveness we have received through Christ. I feel that so many relationship disasters between people could be averted if the couple had a greater awareness, deep in their heart, about the abundant grace gifted from G-d.
What about rude? “Love is not rude”.
你说得对，就像是“让我告诉你为什么我对你错，既然这样，不如我把我的不安全感也扔给你吧。”我们必须先来寻求神，在耶稣那里我们的身份是安全的。我们必须继续努力地理解神赐给我们多少恩典，我们在基督里领受了多少赦免。我认为如果夫妻心中对神所赐的丰盛恩典有更深的认识，就可以避开很多人际关系中的灾难，。
Max:
If you are arguing you are being very rude to the other person. You are hurting the other person, attacking them.
How about, “Love is not self-seeking”.
若与人争论，对别人就会非常粗鲁。你是在伤害和攻击他们。
那关于“爱是不自夸”呢？
Leonidas:
Well, being self-seeking is saying, “My way or the highway. You’re wrong, I’m right and let me tell you why.” Again, it’s a pride issue. If you are in a heated argument, it’s about me being right. It’s only when you calm down and try to see things from the other person’s angle and become selfless that the argument starts to cool down.
What about, “Love is not easily angered”?
自夸是指：“不听我的就赶紧离开，你错了，我是对的，让我来告诉你为什么”，这又是一个骄傲的问题。如果你们争吵很激烈，那所争论的就是关于我是否正确的问题。只有当你冷静下来，尝试从对方的视角看问题，变得不再自私，争论才会开始平息。
那关于：“爱是不轻易发怒”呢？
Max:
Well most of the time, arguing is done from a place of anger, you can feel the anger flowing through you. You are thinking, “Ah, why can’t you understand me!”
大部分时候，争论是出于愤怒，你可以感受到愤怒在全身流动。所想的是：“你为什么不能理解我！”
Leonidas:
Unleashed anger can take different forms. Maybe you’re screaming in your spouse’s face, throwing your IKEA plates, knocking over lamps, punching walls, or G-d forbid, engaging in more violent verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. But it isn’t just throwing things and yelling. It can be as simple as a look, subtle body language, or even that soft-spoken, passive-aggressive singular statement that you said. While it’s not a physical assault to the body, it’s just the same as a dozen knives to the heart. Stop using the intimate knowledge of your spouse and their history to wound them. You are not there to tear them down. The legions of dark spiritual forces in this world already do that well enough. When you see the opportunity to destroy…stop. When you see the opportunity to wound and build yourself up by bringing them down…stop. Be light. Show them G-d’s truth, and who G-d says they are. Be mercy. Withhold your wrath, even if you think they deserve it. Be grace. Gift them with love, forgiveness, and tenderness, even if you think they don’t deserve it.
发泄愤怒有很多形式。也许你在冲对方大吼大叫、扔宜家的盘子、推翻台灯、锤墙、甚至是神禁止的更暴力的言语、情感、身体的虐待。发泄愤怒有时不只是扔东西或是吼叫，可能单单是一个眼神、细微的肢体语言、或者甚至是你柔声说的消极话语。尽管不是攻击身体，却像在心上捅刀子一样。停止用你对另一半的亲密认识和他们的过往来伤害他们。不是让你去摧毁他们的。这个世界上黑暗幽灵已经做了够多了，当你看到有机会会摧毁他们，就停止吧。当你看到有机会通过击垮对方来重塑自已，就停止吧。要做光，向他们展现神的真理，告诉他们神说他们是谁。要心存怜悯，尽管你觉得他们不配，也要忍住愤怒。要满怀恩典，尽管你觉得他们不配，也要给他们爱、原谅和温柔。
Max:
What about the next part of the verse where it says, ”Love keeps no record of wrongs”?
How often can it be, especially in a marriage or dating relationship where you are arguing about something like, “Where are we going on holiday?” And before you know it, it turns into a fight along the lines of, “You never think about me, you never consider my opinion or you don’t care about what I think.” You start having those feelings of, “I was right all those other times, why can’t you trust me?” Or, “You always do this…” Or, “You never do that…” Be extremely careful with these sort of absolute statements.
那下一节经文说：“爱是不计算人的恶”怎么理解呢？
有多少次，特别是在婚姻里或是恋爱中，你们会因为“假期我们去哪里？”这类事情争吵吗？在你还没意识到，就变成了一场争论，围绕着“你从不考虑我，你从不考虑我的想法，也不在乎我在想什么。”你开始感受到：“我平时都是对的，你为什么不信任我？”或者“你总是这样”或者“你从来都不”，你要特别小心这类过于绝对的措辞。
Leonidas:
All these things from the past could be coming into your mind. And you open up your little black book of every little thing that you think they did wrong that you never forgave them for. You start accusing them about something from 6 months ago, or last week even. It’s hardly even related, and probably not related at all. So, now you are fighting about a thing that happened, but that thing is not the real problem. You are really fighting about all those other things from the past that have built up because of unresolved issues that have not been addressed or forgiven. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. It isn’t disagreeing and finding a solution cooperatively. Instead, it’s fighting dirty, and fighting to win at any cost…even the cost of the other person’s well-being.
The next part of the verse says “Love does not delight in evil.”
这些过往可能会闯入脑海，然后你打开小黑本，上面记载着对方所做的你永远无法原谅他们的每件事情。你开始指责他们六个月前或者是上个星期做的事情，可能跟现在毫不相关，所以，现在你们开始为曾经发生过的事争吵，但那件事并不是真正的问题所在，你们确实是在为过去所有发生过的事争吵，这些事都是积累下来的没有处理好或没有取得原谅的问题。这既不公平也不正确。这没有达成相互认同，也没有一起合作解决问题，而是无益的纷争，为了赢而不计代价，甚至以牲牺对方的幸福为代价。
接下来的经文是“不喜欢不义”。
Max:
Maybe rather than delighting in evil, you are partaking in evil. Because when arguing there is a big possibility that you are not being kind, not being patient. Pride is selfish and is evil. Next is, “Love rejoices in the truth.”
或许你并不是享受罪中之乐，而是与罪有份，因为在争论的时候，很大概率你没有恩慈、没有耐心；骄傲是自私和邪恶的。下面的一句是：“爱只喜欢真理”。
Leonidas:
Your thoughts, or opinion, or perspective, or memory of events may actually be totally accurate. The trouble is that you are not rejoicing if you are yelling or otherwise showing anger towards the other person.
你对事物的想法、观点、视角、记忆也许是完全准确的，但问题是如果你冲对方吼叫或发火，就完全没有喜乐。
Max:
While rejoicing can be individual, how much more beautiful is it when it’s together. You can’t have true rejoicing in the truth while at the same time, arguing. Especially if you are using G-d’s truth in His Word, and beat them over the head with it.
当然喜乐是个人的感受，如果能一起喜乐的话是何等美好。在争论中不可能享受到真理当中真正的喜乐。尤其是如果你用神的真理或圣经来敲打对方的时候。
Leonidas:
That is attacking with the truth, not rejoicing with the truth. Attacking people pulls them away from the relationship and potentially away from JC.
这是在用真理攻击人，而不是在真理中喜乐。攻击别人会使他们远离这段关系，甚至疏远和耶稣的关系。
Max:
When fighting with a spouse, often if you win, you both lose. Do you NEED to be right, even at the expense of a peaceful household? Do you want to be right or happy?
当和配偶争吵时，哪怕你赢了，也是两败俱伤。你真的需要凡事都对吗，哪怕是牲牺掉和睦的家庭？你想要正确还是快乐？
Leonidas:
When people get married, they become one flesh. To beat the other person, is to beat a part of yourself and to look down on this person you promised to love as a loser rather than a loved and cherished equal.
结婚时二人成为一体。打击对方就是打击自己的一部分，轻视这位你曾经发誓相爱的人，认为他很失败，而不是视他为被爱、被珍惜、互相平等的人。
Max:
This leads us into the next part of the verse which states, “Love always protects”. If you are having a heated argument are you protecting the other person’s heart?
这带领我们到了下一句：“凡事包容”，如果你正在激烈的辩论中，你是在包容或保护对方的心吗？”
Leonidas:
Most of the time when people think about protection, they think about physical protection but emotional protection is critical. When having a heated argument, I get the image of a beast with fangs and claws coming out. You’re not protecting, you’re looking to fight.
The trouble with heated arguments is that the deeper the intimacy you have with another person is, the greater the chance you have of wounding that person. Simultaneously, the greater the intimacy, the greater the opportunity to build up.
大部分时候当人们想到包容或保护，他们想到的是身体上的保护，但情感上的保护也十分重要。当人们激烈地争吵时，我会想到一个尖牙利爪的野兽，你不是在保护，是要争战。
激烈争论的困惑就是你与别人越亲密，就越有可能伤害到他。与此同时，越是亲密，建立关系的机会越大。
Max:
The next part is, “Love always trusts.” If I’m trying to be right or get my opinion across in a forceful way, am I trusting you?
下一句是”凡事相信”，如果我只是想证明自己是对的或者把我的想法强加在你身上，我是在相信你吗？
Leonidas:
No, it is the pride issue again that says, “I’m right and you are wrong.”
How about. “Love always hopes”?
不，这又是骄傲的问题，意思是：“我对你错”。
那“凡事盼望”怎么理解呢？
Max:
Well, in an argument I’m hoping that I’m right. But we aren’t hoping in the future or hoping in the relationship.
在争论我希望凡事都对的时候，我们对未来或是这段关系并不抱有盼望。
Leonidas:
And are you hoping for what’s best for me or what’s best for the other person, and for the health of your relationship together…even if you lose face or even if it costs you your pride?
你所盼望的是对自己最好的东西还是对对方最好的东西？哪怕让你没有面子或者牲牺掉你的骄傲，你会盼望你们的关系健康吗？
Max:
You should attack the problem together constructively, not one another, and without blaming.
The next part is, “Love always perseveres”.
你们应该一起有建设性地化解问题，而不是对抗彼此，不要相互指责。
下一节是：“凡事忍耐”。
Leonidas:
Well, it is easy to be persevering in your idea or opinion rather than persevering in the relationship. You end up fighting the person rather than fighting the problem together.
比起关系中的忍耐，坚持自己的观点或看法似乎更容易。最终导致你是在对抗这个人而不是一起对抗问题。
Max:
It’s a matter of shifting your focus. Take your eyes off yourselves as individuals and look at the problem as a team and persevere together. Are you spinning in circles attacking each other, or are you both making genuine progress in your life together as a team?
The last part is, “Love never fails”.
这个问题会转移你的焦点，要把你的眼光从你个人身上移开，以团队的角度看问题并且一起持守。你们是在原地转圈相互攻击，还是作为伙伴一同在生命中取得真正的进步？
最后一句是“爱是永不止息。”
Leonidas:
If you are arguing, are you failing in the relationship?
如果你在争论，是否在关系中就失败了？
Max:
Nobody goes into a relationship because they want to have arguments. As we have seen, arguments often end up breaking one or more of the rules of love we have looked at in this chapter.
没有人是因为想要争论才进入一段关系的，正如我们所见，争论常会破坏一个或多个我们在这章读到的爱的法则。
Leonidas:
We are human and live in a fallen world. Arguments are a part of living with other humans but that doesn’t mean we should accept it. We can try our best to change for the better.
我们是活在罪恶世界的人。在人际交往中难免会争论，但这不意味着我们要接受它。我们可以尽最大努力为着更好的一切来改变。
Max:
When having a disagreement, it could be helpful to use 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 as a way of checking yourself to make sure you are treating the other person with love and mercy, especially if it is a topic you feel strongly about.
Be Love. Be Grace. Be Mercy. Be blessed and love well.
当持有不同意见时，读一读哥林多前书十三章4-8节也许会有帮助，帮助你审查自己以确保你以爱和怜悯对待对方，尤其是如果这是一个你很在意的话题。
要有爱，有恩典，有怜悯。得蒙福，彼此相爱。
